Fall in my heart

"Walk away quietly in any direction and taste the freedom of the mountaineer. Camp out among the grasses and gentians of glacial meadows, in craggy garden nooks full of nature's darlings. Climb the mountains and get their good tidings, Nature's peace will flow into you as sunshine flows into trees. The winds will blow their own freshness into you and the storms their energy, while cares will drop off like autumn leaves. As age comes on, one source of enjoyment after another is closed, but nature's sources never fail." - John Muir

All these seasons of nature are also seasons within me. Some of them are painted in autumn colors, melancholic and rainy while others are full of joy and sunshine, like the hottest summer by the Adriatic sea. Some of them are lasting as long as the seasons in nature, while others have the ability to change faster than the transition of day and night. I must admit i enjoy them all.

Going to the Mountains is going Home, said my really good friend that I have never met - John Muir. And for the past few years that has been the exact definition of my homecoming.

But shortly after I had moved to London an idea was planted inside me. An idea that even London can become my place to be. In order to make it happen I had to find a home within myself. So i put my shoes on and went for this long hike. 

I was trying to get used to the noise and accept it, but I simply couldn't let go. I used to lay in my bed and imagined it being the wind that flows through my hair and moves the leaves while I am taking a walk through the foggy forest in the late afternoon. But I couldn´t hear a melody I could enjoy.

Secondly, I was trying to get into the flow with the speed of turbulent waves that are rushing through the city like there is no tomorrow. Somehow, somewhere, at some point, I have just plugged in without even noticing and I was hooked. I became a short-distance runner that I never was. Suddenly, everything became a race. My route to work, my ride to the market, and in the end even my path to the nearest park.

I was a little tiny human caught in a massive vortex while my body became an erupting volcano trying to compensate disconnectedness I felt between myself and the city that I love and hate at the same time. 

And still, I was not ready to accept the defeat between my nature and the idea. 

Today I finally got a chance to go back and pray in my "temple" during the last couple of days. I notice how I really needed it, but at the same time, I am afraid that those three days in Slovenia simply won't be enough to contemplate the storm of emotions raging inside me. ..

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But they were enough. As soon as we landed I saw it coming. As underslept as I was at that point, my body just ran towards the arms of the Alps. My lungs started gasping for air because now I realized that I am choking more than ever. 

I took my brother Jure and Luc to share the experience, but I was too disconnected to share. Talking never felt so unnecessary. I hated words at that time. Simply because they are used in so many ways that make no sense to the spirits of Life. I felt so intoxicated with words that all that I wanted was just a silent conversation with Him. 

And there He was, standing so peacefully and still in front of me. My mountain. My Jalovec.

He was not touched by my presence in any way. He simply was there. Belonging.

Jalovec (2,645 m) on the far right.

And there I was standing completely naked in front of the face of these majestic mountains, watching how the glacier within me turned into a river, slowly gaining a movement and joining the stream. So powerful. Watching how the sound of the spring fell down from the nearby mountain into a waterfall straight through my shivering body. 

I have realized how much I was craving these sounds. And the smell and stillness of the surrounding nature that was glowing like gold in all its autumn glory. I feel my body waking up. Anxiety slowly fading away while I started feeling this pain all over my body. And sadness. And fear. And disappointment. And finally, the ultimate. A relief has started coming into my being. 

And I am grateful that I have got to experience all of this. What I know now is I know where I belong. 

I know where my home is. I even know I enjoy getting lost well.

But none of these could happen without me moving to London and forming such an intense relationship with this special city. Connecting with it and disconnecting at the same time. And that is when my people come in. So many beautiful souls and moments that I would never have. I feel privileged. I feel rich.

One Love <3
Ana


Photos made by me and my Nokia. ©